The Price of Remembrance

Maybe I’m an extreme case.  I hope so, seems pretty damn extreme to me.

I think I’ve figured out a key piece of my experiences.  These are the ones that made my soul hurt.  A feeling like someone took a dump in my soul and a feeling of shame that no matter how much I prayed I could not be forgiven of.

This was the feeling I had after a certain type of experience I had.  I would wake up with this feeling, felt like I was saturated in “sin.”

These expereinces involved me in someone else’s consciousness as in I could see through their eyes and feel as they felt.  They would always die, usually in strangulation/suffocation or in some non-instant death.  I would feel them fighting for life, then the darkness would overtake them.  I would be left in that darkness.  I would have to stop fighting to live and give in to death.   Sometimes this would happen up to three times a night.  Really messed me up in real life.  (Unfortunately, I can’t tell the exact timetable with my ritual abuse experience but it’s definitely close to when I my stomach ulcer, so maybe at age 7 or 8.)

I’ve mentioned these experiences before.  I thought this was some way to get me to dissociate.  Giving into the death experience being the point when I left my body and an alter could then take over.  It could have been a virtual reality situation set up to accomplish this.  I also thought they where to kill my core personality so the inter dimensional being attached to me could take over completely.  The feeling of being in the back seat of my consciousness is consistent to my experiences when an alter of mine is activated.  Or maybe this could also be the only level of awareness I was capable of when my consciousness was taken over by the inter dimensional beings.

However, I think it was much worse than that.  My friend and fellow milab Ted was telling me about his experience as a child training and having to kill puppies and sheep or be faced with various forms of torture.  He mentions a pain amplifier.  I remember the feeling of this machine, an internal body wide feeling of all your pain receptors being activated all at once at various levels of intensity.   Either you comply or like me, dissociate.

I never thought I was killing those people but when I looked into this possibility I was flooded with those same feelings I had as a child, a soul hurt, a loss of my innocence that I could never get back.  It’s been about a week since I went down this possibility and I have struggled mightily to find my center again.   I had these death experiences for years.  If I estimate how many, it’s in the thousands.  Not to dive into the deep end of self important indulgence, but the thought of having killed that many people makes me weep.  That’s a lot of blood on my hands, not to mention the karma.  It was a devastating realization, felt in my bones, opening up some soul crushing scars.

The real intentions of these projects was to influence and kill people from a distance with no physical evidence which lines up with my use in the projects if Project Stargate in the 70’s was the start of this type of research.  Ask any dark magician or anyone that really knows about ritual magic, the energy needed for these types of activities is a joint venture between the person and the entities being conjured.  The energy creates a portal between the unseen realms and this one through your body and innate ability to manifest in this realm.  The entities involved then latch on to your genetic quantum signature and follow, not only your family line, but also you in other incarnations.

Having finally found my feet again, I realize that feeling, that level of awareness was completely lacking any connection to All that Is.  It was like being trapped in some far edge of the the emotional spectrum.  As if I my whole emotional expression was cut off and expanded in these tight bands of mental awareness.  This level of awareness is the base line consciousness of the Grey Aliens.   (what a sad existence those beings, no wonder they are so ruthless and kidnappy.)

Lucky for we humans, there is a force in this universe, both wordless and ever present.  This force is Grace.   It defies the world of of the logical mind.  It is the essence of forgiveness.

This is the force that the Greys have been cut off from and probably why they feel like what they do is justified.  They need human awareness to access this world.

There is an echo in their collective conscious.  It is one of supreme regret and loss.  It is covered up by their collective hum or focus, but it’s there.  This gives them the guile to act and yet in every acton somewhere they know these actions lead them further away from their intended goal.

When I deal with these beings, I offer them what they have ran away from all these millennia and timelines.   I offer them Death, a clean death, a chance to be reborn in All that is, to take the leap that we humans do so Gracefully at times: die well.