The Unexpected

Obviously, I haven’t had many positive things to say about my experience in the black projects.  Besides the whole “what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger” philosophy, there’s not much love and light to take away form this.

Probably discrediting for me, but Donald Marshall was the first person I recognized from the projects.  This was at the cloning/training center as a child.   In a nutshell, “they” used alien technology to transfer a person’s dreaming consciousness (the dream body) into a clone of that person.   It was like a real life video game to the handlers, staggering the atrocities that occur there.

When he mentioned the sand and the hockey rink type wall, memories of all these dreams I had as a child flooded my mind.  It really freaked me out.  I can barely face what I did in that rink, or the inhuman attitude I had.  I did what they asked, or they would kill a bunch of other children in front of me, blaming my lack of obedience for their deaths.  I fell in line but my hatred for the people in the crowd grew, and I hid myself.

Writing had been the best way for me to release the guilt and shame I felt, as anytime I messed up or just failed at a training exercise, they would torture or kill someone else blaming me.  These are the feelings that I would wake up with in the morning.

However, since going public, a couple of people have contacted me which has really expedited my growth.  One of these people lives on the other side of the world, yet we have become instant friends.

Upon seeing her in an interview, I was flooded with really intense emotions and light filled moments of intimacy.  This was totally out of the blue for me.  I never expected to uncover these types of feelings from one of these alters.  Honestly, I was expecting to remember bloody, gut wrenching battle scenes and the same robotic, mind controlled level of awareness I recall having as a child and teenager.

Yet, when I really delved into these experiences with these two people, I found my attitude and outlook on life to be very similar to my current attitude.

These recalls… It’s difficult to express how this all works.  The best way to describe it is as a snapshot of my life during that lifetime/alter.  I don’t get the long drawn out download like recall.  These moments don’t have any audio, mostly just feelings coupled with an image.  Like the first time we were set up together, I can recall the feelings I had, the suspicion and yet a playful, open outlook towards our potential relationship, like an arranged marriage.  I knew my handlers had plans for us.  I knew she was there to assess me, spy on me and using her gift of persuasion to keep me in line.  I looked forward to the challenge.

As we completed missions, our bond began to grow.  She was/is a badass which was quite attractive to me.  Being an asset, working for whoever we were working for, living on ships or on bases, we had quite a bit of down time.

After a couple of missions of her catching me staring at her in battle, she knew I was interested.  I knew as well she was trained in all sorts of bonding techniques that  are the equivalent of mind control that were initiated during sex so I better have my wits about me.

Actually there was a group of ssp survivors that spoke of this very topic.  It was an eye-opener considering what I had been recalling for months now.

Another psychically gifted ssp survivor, picked up on the nature of our relationship immediately when brought up in conversation.  Apparently we were pretty obnoxious about our PDA’s.  Again, not something I expected to have memories of.

The other ssp survivor I met recently have shared recalls of each other.

Upon seeing him, I felt a familiarity, like a friendship I had forgot about.  When we first talked he was describing myself and other recalls that I haven’y written or mentioned to a soul, not even in a personal hand written journal.  It was shocking.  He recalled specific missions, our ranks, even things I had done to Donald Marshall.  Nailed my attitude also.

The recalls I have with my fellow survivor was typical military behavior interspersed with humorous moments in training or at the mess hall.  The only mission we recall is an ambush.  We also share other things, like trying to write this novel about being a soldier left behind on another planet, even the similar plot twists.

Some interesting coincidences concerning the recalls were the light hearted nature of the events or really unexpected moments.  Also these two people seem to be part of my team for a period of time, meaning we were bonded by battle having to trust the others with our lives.  So it is a nice thought that the love and friendship we shared transcends space and time.

I am very grateful to the universe for meeting these people.  It has added a reality to all this that has helped me process it better.  I still have days where I think it’s all alien mind games, but these new developments really make me wonder.  I’ve been hesitant to consider myself a 20 and backer(40 and back in my case).  Felt like it was a cop out in a way, besides being oh-so convenient, but I’m having real time interactions with another me and shared recalls with other ssp survivors still active in the factions, some of us by multiple sides.  It’s been a mind bender, fantastic in scope with other really out consequences, but at least I have someone to share this multidimensional foxhole with now.

Thanks for all your support!!