The Price of Remembrance

Maybe I’m an extreme case.  I hope so, seems pretty damn extreme to me.

I think I’ve figured out a key piece of my experiences.  These are the ones that made my soul hurt.  A feeling like someone took a dump in my soul and a feeling of shame that no matter how much I prayed I could not be forgiven of.

This was the feeling I had after a certain type of experience I had.  I would wake up with this feeling, felt like I was saturated in “sin.”

These expereinces involved me in someone else’s consciousness as in I could see through their eyes and feel as they felt.  They would always die, usually in strangulation/suffocation or in some non-instant death.  I would feel them fighting for life, then the darkness would overtake them.  I would be left in that darkness.  I would have to stop fighting to live and give in to death.   Sometimes this would happen up to three times a night.  Really messed me up in real life.  (Unfortunately, I can’t tell the exact timetable with my ritual abuse experience but it’s definitely close to when I my stomach ulcer, so maybe at age 7 or 8.)

I’ve mentioned these experiences before.  I thought this was some way to get me to dissociate.  Giving into the death experience being the point when I left my body and an alter could then take over.  It could have been a virtual reality situation set up to accomplish this.  I also thought they where to kill my core personality so the inter dimensional being attached to me could take over completely.  The feeling of being in the back seat of my consciousness is consistent to my experiences when an alter of mine is activated.  Or maybe this could also be the only level of awareness I was capable of when my consciousness was taken over by the inter dimensional beings.

However, I think it was much worse than that.  My friend and fellow milab Ted was telling me about his experience as a child training and having to kill puppies and sheep or be faced with various forms of torture.  He mentions a pain amplifier.  I remember the feeling of this machine, an internal body wide feeling of all your pain receptors being activated all at once at various levels of intensity.   Either you comply or like me, dissociate.

I never thought I was killing those people but when I looked into this possibility I was flooded with those same feelings I had as a child, a soul hurt, a loss of my innocence that I could never get back.  It’s been about a week since I went down this possibility and I have struggled mightily to find my center again.   I had these death experiences for years.  If I estimate how many, it’s in the thousands.  Not to dive into the deep end of self important indulgence, but the thought of having killed that many people makes me weep.  That’s a lot of blood on my hands, not to mention the karma.  It was a devastating realization, felt in my bones, opening up some soul crushing scars.

The real intentions of these projects was to influence and kill people from a distance with no physical evidence which lines up with my use in the projects if Project Stargate in the 70’s was the start of this type of research.  Ask any dark magician or anyone that really knows about ritual magic, the energy needed for these types of activities is a joint venture between the person and the entities being conjured.  The energy creates a portal between the unseen realms and this one through your body and innate ability to manifest in this realm.  The entities involved then latch on to your genetic quantum signature and follow, not only your family line, but also you in other incarnations.

Having finally found my feet again, I realize that feeling, that level of awareness was completely lacking any connection to All that Is.  It was like being trapped in some far edge of the the emotional spectrum.  As if I my whole emotional expression was cut off and expanded in these tight bands of mental awareness.  This level of awareness is the base line consciousness of the Grey Aliens.   (what a sad existence those beings, no wonder they are so ruthless and kidnappy.)

Lucky for we humans, there is a force in this universe, both wordless and ever present.  This force is Grace.   It defies the world of of the logical mind.  It is the essence of forgiveness.

This is the force that the Greys have been cut off from and probably why they feel like what they do is justified.  They need human awareness to access this world.

There is an echo in their collective conscious.  It is one of supreme regret and loss.  It is covered up by their collective hum or focus, but it’s there.  This gives them the guile to act and yet in every acton somewhere they know these actions lead them further away from their intended goal.

When I deal with these beings, I offer them what they have ran away from all these millennia and timelines.   I offer them Death, a clean death, a chance to be reborn in All that is, to take the leap that we humans do so Gracefully at times: die well.


Complex PTSD and the Alien/Milab Abduction Phenomenon

Due to the intense feelings of powerlessness and the life-long nature of the abduction phenomenon, there’s no doubt that “experiencers” are at a way higher risk than a muggle to suffer from C-PTSD.

Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is “thought to occur as a result of repetitive, prolonged trauma involving harm or abandonment by a caregiver or other interpersonal relationships with an uneven power dynamic. C-PTSD is associated with sexual, emotional or physical abuse or neglect in childhood, intimate partner violence, victims of kidnapping and hostage situations, indentured servants, slavery, sweatshop workers, prisoners of war, bullying, concentration camp survivors, and defectors of cults or cult-like organizations.[2] Situations involving captivity/entrapment (a situation lacking a viable escape route for the victim or a perception of such) can lead to C-PTSD-like symptoms, which include prolonged feelings of terror, worthlessness, helplessness, and deformation of one’s identity and sense of self.”

C-PTSD is different from regular PTSD with “the main distinction being that it distorts a person’s core identity, especially when prolonged trauma occurs during childhood development. ”   Hmmm, that fits in with the demaliens agenda of using humans as storage devices and other unsavory tasks by the formation of alters from the dissociation cause by trauma felt during the abduction.

For instance, I have a lot of the behaviors of the “freeze” symptomatology, although I can see aspects of the other long term behavioral patterns in myself.    Here is a chart of how the repeated response from the trauma creates certain behavioral patterns in a person’s adult life.

If you’re going to go the psychology route, I suggest a good counselor.  They don’t have the power to label you by diagnosis, as long as you’re not a threat to yourself or others.

OPUS has a pretty good group of people in their email group if you need to get something off your chest.   I’m just a another person that’s been through the abduction phenomenon, still looking for answers, but if you think I can be of service through consultation or implant removal, please email at   Good luck!

Waking up at an Underground Base

The blurred colors of my vision come into focus to a sterile, metal-walled, medical laboratory type of set-up.  I’m strapped to a metal table that’s angled vertically.   (It’s interesting because my first experiences of being in a cloned body are almost always of some lab coated person walking away from my with a syringe.)  I feel like I’ve been pumped up with pure anger…  My attention focused on the present, wondering how am I going to express the violence running through my veins.

This focus stays with me through the entire experience.  It taps into a much deeper rage, of supreme injustice.  I cannot tell you how much I hate all these people.  It’s a rage at a molecular level, a searing of the energy around me, slowly building, coiling itself into an electric whip.

This particular day they had me in a body much older than what I was at the time.  In real life, I was only five or six, but the body I was in was much older, much stronger.  I awoke to the usual rush of consciousness, tapping into the strength of my shoulders, sensing my awareness travel into my extremities.  Whatever they have injected me with this time turns my usual rage into a blinding white light, burning me alive, and when the pain gets to my head, I shatter into a thousands shards of of pissed off glass.  They glitter in my mind’s eye, a brief moment of stillness.  I couldn’t handle the emotions illicit in this body.  Then l feel a rumble like a wall breaking and the rage is total. The white hot energy has filled every cell of my body as I feel the constraints getting tighter across my chest and shoulders.  My perspective is changing and I feel my head break free from the strap across my forehead.
All the little humans in their white coats scurry around this way and that like frantic little cockroaches.

I smell their fear and I am disgusted by them.  My right arm breaks free and I grab the panicking white coat as he tries to step back.  In half a second I’ve ripped out his larynx with my teeth and rip is arm off his body for good measure. The satisfying taste of his blood as the rush of endorphins reaches my awareness, slightly offsetting my rage. The constraints no longer holding me.  They will all pay for this I say to myself as I survey the room.

My body moves so fast I feel like reality doesn’t focus until I pause to make sure I am the last thing the white coats see as I’m ramming my clawed hand through peoples torsos, ripping arms out of sockets, slinging their remains across the room.  Their fear colors them in hazy red aura, I can see images of loved ones and regrets as life leaves them, some frozen in fear as I feel their neck crush when I tighten my grip. The smell of blood and organs fill me with more rage as I charge at the thick metal doors.  Bursting through I am met by loud bangs, sharp pain across my body and then a warm glow.

I wake up in my bed.  I cry and whimper to myself, my six year old self not able to comprehend what just happened yet knowing somehow I was that monster. This shame and fear shook me to the very core of my being.

I don’t remember that happening again, although I know this being. That form is connected to a whole race of beings.  If I stay in that body I will be overtaken by their consciousness.  Their sick, morbid truly psychopathic frame of mind.  It dirtied my soul enough just from that one encounter.

However the lab coats were fascinated by me so I had the honor of experiencing that place every time I went to sleep.  Somehow they were able to modulate that awareness in me, it must have something to do with the drug they gave me.  Because once I finished the “training”, I had close to that same speed and strength yet I don’t remember being a giant humanoid reptilian.

Mantid Being Encounter and Consent

For years I attributed this memory as a near death experience, now I’m not so sure.  I want to thank James Bartley for his commentary on the topic for inspiring me to dig deeper into this memory.

I need to preface this with a little of my character development.  I have a memory of being born.  It could be implanted, but it has always felt real and has been a huge part of my emotional constitution.

When I got into this body, I was shocked to be back on Earth.  I thought I had finally gotten away.  That I was done.  Then to realize, I was back here.  I quickly spiraled down into a pit of despair, my spirit shattered.  I had worked so hard to get free.

There were figures looking down at me from the control room in a setting similar to this but better technology.

I knew I had to think fast because I was about to forget everything.  I was very mad at “them” whomever the controllers are as I can’t recall whether they are human, god or alien.  I’m thinking human actually.  There were commanders and an authority structure, although I can’t see their faces.  Feels human though… as I felt betrayed by my command structure.  They told me I was done, that they wouldn’t bring me back again.

Yet here I was. There was an inner wariness that pervaded my being.  I was so tired of fighting down here, so tired of killing.  I had seen enough horrors for one soul.

The mix of rage from being betrayed pulled my awareness from the depths of the mind wipe process and burned this phrase into my psyche “Remember It’s Very Confusing Down There!!!”

As a toddler I still had some of my previous awareness yet no memories, just that echo that things are not as they seem with alternating feelings of rage and despair.  Being able to see past the image of this world into some of the influences behind it, proved too much for me though.  I remember seeing the entity behind one of my parents and that was that.  I had decided to end this life.  The despair got to me.

Which brings me to my memory of dying….

When I was 18 months old, I was found by my mother at the bottom of a pool.   She happened to be a CPR instructor and revived me, I also went into shock and flatlined again on the way to the hospital.

I woke up in a metal, cylindrical pod with a glass window cover.  The room I was in was big enough to house eight or ten of these pods.   The interior was white.

Suddenly there is this enormous, forest green, female preying mantis-type being looking over me.   She’s emitting the purest love I had ever felt, instantly calming me and easing my troubled mind.  She looks  at me full of concern and telepathically asks, “Are you okay!?!.”

I said,  “Oh yeah.  I love down there!” filled to the brim with the purest, sweetest disney made cotton-candy of hope and naivety.  Then a vague memory of being in a tube or straw and that was the end of that.  But it wasn’t the end.

By expressing my desire to go back to my body, I gave my consent to going back to this realm.  Now I’ve made an agreement with these beings, so my life will be governed under their terms.  It doesn’t matter that I was emotionally controlled by the mantid being in the moment, I consented.   

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So if I really died, then I owe this life to them.  That’s the way they see it.  They brought me into this world, “saving my life” not to help me, but to save my life from getting out of their control.   Tricked again, and now filled with this weird new age idea that it’s all going to be fine…. that we’re here to learn and play like it’s the f-ing smurfs.  LaLalalalaa.

This set up a weird dynamic within me, where a part of me was feeling the trauma and loss of hope, another part of me was all happy-go-lucky, focus on the positive yet still very ungrounded.  It has taken me a lifetime to figure all this out.

Anyways, that whole “once I was a child, I spoke like child, thought like a child, but now…”

The Emotional Profiles of our Interdimensional Overlords

This is an attempt to identify the core emotional makeup of some of the inter dimensional beings I have run across.   These are the negative expressions of these races and there will always be those who defy the stereotype.

The descriptions are intended to help us be able to identify the signature of the external source in an emotional or thought manipulation.

As the Shaolin Abbot says in Enter the Dragon:
“The enemy has only images and illusions behind which he hides his true motives.  Destroy the image and you will break the enemy. ”

I only bring up the beings I’ve had experience with:

The Greys, due to their subservience are the masters of denial and cognitive dissonance.  You know that feeling you get after doing something you hate for years and years, like a crappy job.  Abductees have mentioned experiences when the Greys get angry or hostile or even surprised when an abductee breaks the paralysis and acts out.   Also they use guilt, fear and shame as motivational tools to bend your will with the constant programming of humanity is destroying the earth and scenes of massive earth changes.

The Mantids which do have the capacity to feel emotions.  They are also able to illicit emotions in other people, like friendship and trust.  They are a step up from the Greys and are the masters of passive aggressive type manipulation.

I only have had extended contact with the Draco of the reptilian race.  They are your typical sociopaths.  They seem more goal oriented than the more psychopathic or aggressive underlings.   It’s control in both forms, just the Draco are more about gaining consent, usually with an illusion made from your own shadow ego to go with their manipulation.   While for some of the underlings, it’s more about the physical or mental control of and power over a person.  There is much ritual in their culture.

The snake humanoid are the most unpredictable and have a broader range of emotions when it comes to psychic attacks.  There is a cunning about them, like there is more trickster to them than the rest of the reps.

There is a giant plasma powered octopus being that has tendrils around our entire heliosphere.  It is void of emotion and there’s even a physical feeling of being in a void like realm, like bottom of the ocean type of pressure on you when it attacks.  A listlessness comes over you, like being emotionally blinded by it’s ink when it’s released into your energy field.

I do feel like one of the beings that played with our DNA is lost in our collective awareness somehow.  He acts more like a schizophrenic than a god almost like his mind has been fractured, through some dark spell.  Like parts of Osiris that have been artificially but together to make a shadow Horus.  There is a certain body odor that comes with an encounter with this being.  Smells like crazy and can create a very ungrounded state.   His appearance is still masked from me, but it has a mechanical arm and will hum as he operates on you.

There are other beings that exist in a pure mental realm, but the mere thought of them can be a form of consent as they are connected to our creation and existence.   Inner silence must be attained before one is ready to deal with them.

The act of reading any post or comment is not to be used as a form of consent in any way, shape or form.  7(7pi\BABAY)

The Grey Hive Mind

Why do the Greys pick some people to be abductees and others left alone?

Darrel Sims will tell you it’s due to either a Cherokee or Celtic heritage in a person’s DNA.  Others such as Dr.David Jacobs will tell you in light of the diversity of the abductees, a pattern has not been discerned.  Since there is a lack of consensus among alien and abductee researchers, I will throw my hat in the ring.

The reason the Greys take certain people and not others is due to abductees having latent or active telepathic genetic markers in their DNA.

When the Greys mind meld with you, which is that awesome experience when they go all close talker and those black, liquid eyes are centimeters away from your face.  Their general state is one of insufficient life force, so you can feel them starting to feed off your energetic stability as they approach.  Then the connection is made like a subtle piercing of a membrane.

The flood of lifetimes of slavery, swimming in the bodily fluids of the cows and humans for food, the never-ending search for and manufacturing of viable genetic hybrids, and the ever-present passive aggressive feeling the Grey hive mind harbors flood your spirit, completely overwhelmed by the sickness that they call their lives.  Their hive-mind consciousness all to eager to add to the hive, skewing your awareness into this weird subservient, dissociative state.

This process due to the level trauma this mind meld creates or by some other occulted phenomenon in the nature of awareness we just don’t comprehend yet it happens.   Although not necessarily a physical implant but an etheric or some part of our electromagnetic field gets premaritally changed by this encounter.  Corrodo Malanga, an Italian alien abductee regression hypnotherapist and researcher called this real time link with the aliens Active Alien Memories.

Here’s a link to his work which I highly recommend for anyone interested in this phenomena.

Eve Lorgen, another great source of knowledge on the alien phenomena posted a great introduction to his work on her website.

This aspect concerns the aliens desire for immortality, by living within and through us. Malanga reports it as many abductees stated while in regressive hypnosis, “The aliens live across us and our mind. “(Alien Cicatrix, p. 21-26) Here, many symptoms of the alien abductees were such that they felt, “not of this world” or recalled other lives as an alien. Or dual liveʼs as an alien. (EL–being transferred to an alien body and working with them.) The alien memories Malanga calls, Active Alien Memories or AAM. These memories comprise also(all) the lifetimes that a particular alien may have been a passive part of, while being “parked” inside many different “abductee” body/carriers throughout long spans of time.

The more naturally psychic of us are chosen to be a part of the hive mind.  Using our own gift of awareness and our innate ability to create, they cyphon off a bit of awareness so we subconsciously will them into existence in this realm.

I believe they plan to use abductees as an interface into the collective consciousness of humanity and then drive reality using abductees as the 3-D interface.

The reason people often feel more psychic after encounters.   Also there’s a strategic value to take your opponents strength and turning it into a weakness.  Dr. Jaocbs quotes the Greys as saying, “Soon we will all be together and everyone will know their place.”  LOL

This is unacceptable for those of with two or more neurons firing off no matter how many Dr. Greer’s there are out there preaching alien salvation.


This is a kind of a perversion of 100th monkey effect, which we all know how much the lost ones love to pervert everything and anything they can influence.