For years I attributed this memory as a near death experience, now I’m not so sure. I want to thank James Bartley for his commentary on the topic for inspiring me to dig deeper into this memory.
I need to preface this with a little of my character development. I have a memory of being born. It could be implanted, but it has always felt real and has been a huge part of my emotional constitution.
When I got into this body, I was shocked to be back on Earth. I thought I had finally gotten away. That I was done. Then to realize, I was back here. I quickly spiraled down into a pit of despair, my spirit shattered. I had worked so hard to get free.
I knew I had to think fast because I was about to forget everything. I was very mad at “them” whomever the controllers are as I can’t recall whether they are human, god or alien. I’m thinking human actually. There were commanders and an authority structure, although I can’t see their faces. Feels human though… as I felt betrayed by my command structure. They told me I was done, that they wouldn’t bring me back again.
Yet here I was. There was an inner wariness that pervaded my being. I was so tired of fighting down here, so tired of killing. I had seen enough horrors for one soul.
The mix of rage from being betrayed pulled my awareness from the depths of the mind wipe process and burned this phrase into my psyche “Remember It’s Very Confusing Down There!!!”
As a toddler I still had some of my previous awareness yet no memories, just that echo that things are not as they seem with alternating feelings of rage and despair. Being able to see past the image of this world into some of the influences behind it, proved too much for me though. I remember seeing the entity behind one of my parents and that was that. I had decided to end this life. The despair got to me.
Which brings me to my memory of dying….
When I was 18 months old, I was found by my mother at the bottom of a pool. She happened to be a CPR instructor and revived me, I also went into shock and flatlined again on the way to the hospital.
I woke up in a metal, cylindrical pod with a glass window cover. The room I was in was big enough to house eight or ten of these pods. The interior was white.
Suddenly there is this enormous, forest green, female preying mantis-type being looking over me. She’s emitting the purest love I had ever felt, instantly calming me and easing my troubled mind. She looks at me full of concern and telepathically asks, “Are you okay!?!.”
I said, “Oh yeah. I love down there!” filled to the brim with the purest, sweetest disney made cotton-candy of hope and naivety. Then a vague memory of being in a tube or straw and that was the end of that. But it wasn’t the end.
By expressing my desire to go back to my body, I gave my consent to going back to this realm. Now I’ve made an agreement with these beings, so my life will be governed under their terms. It doesn’t matter that I was emotionally controlled by the mantid being in the moment, I consented.
So if I really died, then I owe this life to them. That’s the way they see it. They brought me into this world, “saving my life” not to help me, but to save my life from getting out of their control. Tricked again, and now filled with this weird new age idea that it’s all going to be fine…. that we’re here to learn and play like it’s the f-ing smurfs. LaLalalalaa.
This set up a weird dynamic within me, where a part of me was feeling the trauma and loss of hope, another part of me was all happy-go-lucky, focus on the positive yet still very ungrounded. It has taken me a lifetime to figure all this out.
Anyways, that whole “once I was a child, I spoke like child, thought like a child, but now…”