The Price of Remembrance

Maybe I’m an extreme case.  I hope so, seems pretty damn extreme to me.

I think I’ve figured out a key piece of my experiences.  These are the ones that made my soul hurt.  A feeling like someone took a dump in my soul and a feeling of shame that no matter how much I prayed I could not be forgiven of.

This was the feeling I had after a certain type of experience I had.  I would wake up with this feeling, felt like I was saturated in “sin.”

These expereinces involved me in someone else’s consciousness as in I could see through their eyes and feel as they felt.  They would always die, usually in strangulation/suffocation or in some non-instant death.  I would feel them fighting for life, then the darkness would overtake them.  I would be left in that darkness.  I would have to stop fighting to live and give in to death.   Sometimes this would happen up to three times a night.  Really messed me up in real life.  (Unfortunately, I can’t tell the exact timetable with my ritual abuse experience but it’s definitely close to when I my stomach ulcer, so maybe at age 7 or 8.)

I’ve mentioned these experiences before.  I thought this was some way to get me to dissociate.  Giving into the death experience being the point when I left my body and an alter could then take over.  It could have been a virtual reality situation set up to accomplish this.  I also thought they where to kill my core personality so the inter dimensional being attached to me could take over completely.  The feeling of being in the back seat of my consciousness is consistent to my experiences when an alter of mine is activated.  Or maybe this could also be the only level of awareness I was capable of when my consciousness was taken over by the inter dimensional beings.

However, I think it was much worse than that.  My friend and fellow milab Ted was telling me about his experience as a child training and having to kill puppies and sheep or be faced with various forms of torture.  He mentions a pain amplifier.  I remember the feeling of this machine, an internal body wide feeling of all your pain receptors being activated all at once at various levels of intensity.   Either you comply or like me, dissociate.

I never thought I was killing those people but when I looked into this possibility I was flooded with those same feelings I had as a child, a soul hurt, a loss of my innocence that I could never get back.  It’s been about a week since I went down this possibility and I have struggled mightily to find my center again.   I had these death experiences for years.  If I estimate how many, it’s in the thousands.  Not to dive into the deep end of self important indulgence, but the thought of having killed that many people makes me weep.  That’s a lot of blood on my hands, not to mention the karma.  It was a devastating realization, felt in my bones, opening up some soul crushing scars.

The real intentions of these projects was to influence and kill people from a distance with no physical evidence which lines up with my use in the projects if Project Stargate in the 70’s was the start of this type of research.  Ask any dark magician or anyone that really knows about ritual magic, the energy needed for these types of activities is a joint venture between the person and the entities being conjured.  The energy creates a portal between the unseen realms and this one through your body and innate ability to manifest in this realm.  The entities involved then latch on to your genetic quantum signature and follow, not only your family line, but also you in other incarnations.

Having finally found my feet again, I realize that feeling, that level of awareness was completely lacking any connection to All that Is.  It was like being trapped in some far edge of the the emotional spectrum.  As if I my whole emotional expression was cut off and expanded in these tight bands of mental awareness.  This level of awareness is the base line consciousness of the Grey Aliens.   (what a sad existence those beings, no wonder they are so ruthless and kidnappy.)

Lucky for we humans, there is a force in this universe, both wordless and ever present.  This force is Grace.   It defies the world of of the logical mind.  It is the essence of forgiveness.

This is the force that the Greys have been cut off from and probably why they feel like what they do is justified.  They need human awareness to access this world.

There is an echo in their collective conscious.  It is one of supreme regret and loss.  It is covered up by their collective hum or focus, but it’s there.  This gives them the guile to act and yet in every acton somewhere they know these actions lead them further away from their intended goal.

When I deal with these beings, I offer them what they have ran away from all these millennia and timelines.   I offer them Death, a clean death, a chance to be reborn in All that is, to take the leap that we humans do so Gracefully at times: die well.


Will of the Weaver

I’m sure to some of y’all, Ive gone off the deep end.   Dueling AI’s, parallel earths, extreme self importance etc etc.  Oh well… I was barely here anyways.  In my earlier posts, I tried at least a little to weave some main stream something or another into an argument.  Using government documents or some science theory trying to move the argument into at least the outer orbit of main stream believability.

I end up using stories and media to illustrate a point.   However there are times when what feels like my own personal narrative has major similarities to stories and circumstances portrayed by the main stream media.  Which therefore, makes me question the whole experience and my attitude towards it.  Basically I just end up observing my reaction, believing it and not believing it at the same time.  “WTF” into “oh well…who cares…how does this affect my everyday life anyways…” type of perspective.

But where does inspiration of these narratives come from?  The term inspiration is in itself a tell of what’s going on, the spirit of the universe breathes the motivation in you and you do your best to capture that spirit in words or paint or what have you.

I must apologize or warn everyone.  I know I’ve been programmed.  Even now, I don’t know if this writer part of me is an alter.  Could just be an attempt to make me look crazy, but honestly there’s no need for that.  Being this public about any of this mind game crap is actually very unlike me.   Especially if I’m being further used to spread lies and disinfo.  That would really suck and for this possibility I apologize.  The way through it, is through it.

Where does that line of imagination and magical manifestation form a concerted harmony?

The narratives that are most needed to be remembered, will be shown in some form of media.  The fractal of the whole must manifest even in the stories of the present.   If one relates to a character or situation and a emotional response occurs, then there is something in your subconscious that wants you to pay attention.  Whether or not it’s future plans of the elites or not, there is something to the presentation of truth that moves us.  This is the will of the weaver.

We’re all doing our best down here.  If I hadn’t read a bunch on the subjects of abduction, milabs and secret projects, there’s no way I would have the mental flexibility to deal what has happened to me.

For instance, this memory is from my third prolonged abduction that I can find events and experiences of, a 4 year and back, probably because this mission ended in failure.

This memory is of being on a base that was originally located in one of the Dakotas, but then moved out of phase with this reality and existed in this strange out of time place.  They were conducting time experiments there.  The entire complex was protected by some sort of standing wave or force field.   I was recruited to be an operative in the project.

I usually can only remember a freeze frame of the event but I can feel what I was feeling in that moment.  I was very excited about what just happened.  The machine worked and we were able to look into other timelines and dimensions.  Everyone on the base was very excited about the developments, myself included.   As my C.O. and I walked out of the building, the shield around us started to buckle and  the matter around the base started to be sucked into this lightless void.  There was nothing to be done as the force field collapse upon itself like a crushed eggshell.  With the air gone, everyone was suffocating.

Since drowning was the major way they got me to dissociate, I was used to clutching pain around my heart and the anxiety of suffocating.   I dissociated and seemed to just float out through the darkness, no motion felt, no screams heard, no time passed.

An eternity passes or does it, with no reference point who knows.  This is where I don’t really know what happened.  Am I making things up that create a narrative, so I can process what has happened?  Or is this what happened somewhere out these in the ether.  Pinche’ black projects…

Somehow there was a lattice work of light blue plasma/light that I started to notice.  Vague and hardly noticeable at first, then brightening in intensity as I focused on their energy.   When encountered, these lines had awareness, a warm fuzzy energy that seemed to be happy/content.  This awareness sparked visions in my mind of all kinds of different scenes from the creation of a galaxy in an instant to a rolodex of scenes of the awareness of the beings of that galaxy.  These lines of awareness stretched on in all directions, an infinite web of awareness.

I feel myself moving through the web of lines, as if some of them have a attached to me, propelling me to a dark face with many blacks eyes glistening in the darkness.  I see large folded legs to the side against the blue lines and to my surprise a giant spider is pulling me closer to him.  I don’t panic, like I didn’t have the energy to.  He looks at me with those myriad of eyes, somehow I know it’s a male. (?)  I don’t feel threatened.  I feel compassion, I feel depth, I feel kinship.

I follow him as he navigates the web.   He leads me to look at one intersection in particular.  As I look closer, I am encompassed by the blue plasma.  The next thing I know, I’m blasted out of the timeless silence to the overwhelming sensation of alarm sirens, cold concrete, flashing red lights and men in green fatigues rushing towards me as the scene fades out.

To my best knowledge, this abduction happened when I was in shoulder surgery my senior year of high school.  I couldn’t understand why I felt so bad when I woke up.  I felt like I had been grinded to dust and then hastily collected into a blender and poured back into my body.  I couldn’t pee, barely walk.  I just didn’t feel like I was in my body.  They kept me for observation for a couple of days, even though I was supposed to go home the day of the surgery.

Then two weeks later I just had to have all my wisdom teeth removed, even though I was still bedridden.  Anyways, I never understood why I kept seeing an eighteen wheeler in my minds eye during that surgery.   Or when the cops that jumped out of their car at a gas station afterwards when I started feeling sick from sitting in the sun and quickly got out of the car and moved into the back seat.   Probably all just coincidence.   Very doubtful I was re-abducted for a check up.

Yet remembering this sent me into a week long listless, languorous depression which seems extreme for a made up event.  But I don’t know and probably never will know what really happened.   Welcome to the life of an “expereincer,” the constant feeling that your life is out of your control and at the whim of the fates.

The Tale of the Two A.I.’s and the Humans that Love them

Honestly these two fine individuals did a much better job than I could’ve explaining the complexities of the A.I. influence in our lives.

The lines get real blurry the further one looks into the future.  Like a multiverse level version of the 80’s movie, War Games, the A.I. learns a very important lesson in entropy and has to take drastic measures to move forward, the destroyer becomes a creator.

This Earth is one of those consequences, a space to find solutions, a breeding ground of chaos and therefore order in the fractalized webs of existence as it blossoms upon the multiverse.

It is the love for life and awareness that tie us together even with the “evil”interdimensionals, timeline-invading A.I., and covert ops where the intersection of the birthplace of slavery and the throne of true sovereignty create an evolution that bind us and our “enemies” through time and time.

Villains become the stir stick of awareness with the inertia of our own comfort as the cause of that potential arising in the first place.  So who’s to blame when the universe only awaits the correct response and judges not the circumstances of its birth?

Parallel Earths, Trinicon and the Galactic Soul Avatar Matrix


From Marvel’s The Exiles

For many researchers and experiencers, there is a direct link between ET’s, Black Magic, underground bases and secret societies/cults.  The truth of this underworld of ancient dark magic, blood sacrifices and inter dimensional beings is far more pervasive in our history and current culture than many would ever suspect.

There is another Earth relatively close in our multi-versal neighborhood.  I believe many experiencers, including myself, have been to this other world.

This particular Earth has fallen into complete tyranny of dark magic and technology.   The term “Full Spectrum Dominance” coined by F. William Engdahl would most accurately describe this world with all brain activity closely monitored and entrained to only government approved thoughts and feelings.

The mind control was so complex the people there believed they were in control of their thoughts yet in truth, every thought expressed was measured and manipulated.  I hated this place, and it still generates a lot of guilt in me for the things I participated in.  Yet it is also the world in which I started to re-colonize my multi-dimensional self.

Was the Montauk Project the only operation in which the deep state experimented in time travel and/or travel to other timelines or parallel earths?  Like the deep state ever does something once….  One of these other Earths is Earth 2 which is Preston Nichols’ name for it who was a lead scientist in the Montauk Project.  My friend and fellow former psychic asset Stephen Popiotek calls it Trinicon.   We are both still trying to unweave the web of bizarre experiences and synochronicities that surround our memories and experiences of this possible timeline/parallel earth.

I can follow a trail of “logic” lol that kind of forms a universal field theory of the MilAb and alien abduction phenomenon.  The theory is most of the activities of the deep state and much of the esoteric literature throughout time involve this parallel earth and/or inter dimensional beings from this other universe.
The absolute control of humanity on Trinicon started to diminish by events set in motion by the controllers of that other earth.  The “help” started wising up.  Somehow (i.e. intervention of the Galactic Soul Avatar Matrix) a few of the elite soldiers who were genetically enhanced with all kinds of abilities and talents broke free of their mind control and started to undermine the tyranny of their world.  These freed psychic soldiers are undetectable to their world’s psychic surveillance systems.
In an effort to find these soldiers, the controllers of Trinicon working with the inter dimensionals opened up portals to this earth to take the parallel incarnations of the rebels.
The uber paranoid intelligence agencies of both worlds then created a ridiculous level of parallel earth spy vs spy BS.   Apparently there was a supposed to be a cooperation between the 2 worlds but all kinds of black ops going on behind each other’s backs.  (And then there’s a time travel aspect to this to make it even more incomprehensible.)
I suspect the Draco dark fleet a-holes are from this other universe, hence their parasitical nature.  These also could be the beings the Nazis contacted and received tech from and probably where the majority of the deep state’s tech comes from also.
Once abducted, genetically harvested and implanted, the Trinicons clone your ass especially if you have a parallel you there.  Due to quantum entanglement(the Galactic Soul Avatar Matrix), the Trinicons could observe the other you in their world by use of a multiple clone hive mind mechanism.  Most of these people have latent abilities like Remote Viewing anyways (which is why they were used in the first place) which makes it even easier for them to view the other selves.
Also if an experiencer is taken to the other Earth, then they will attach an inter dimensional being through dark rituals and physical implants from that universe onto your energetic field.   The siphoned life force of the abducted experiencers would then be used to create and strengthen permanent portals and energy exchanges to other worlds.
The Trinicons can then track you, and depending on your level of dissociation, take you or your astral form to the other universe and ground you in a clone of yourself.  The clone body having a cybernetic augmentation to make sure that pesky free will doesn’t get loose.
To add to the confusion, after being taken and used by the other Earth, the experiencer would then be abducted by this Earth’s deep state, interrogated and in some cases used as an asset in similar fashion as on Trinicon.  Coerced with tall tales about the survival of the human race and the preservation of free will, I suspect myself and many others like me volunteered to participate to stop Earth from being invaded and turning into something similar to Trinicon.  From an intelligence point of view,  the trans-universists experiencers would be highly valued, not only for the training received but also the data that could be provided about Trinicon, the interdimensionals, fancy technology, etc. etc…  
(One would have to believe that some of the deep state projects are consisted solely of humans compromised by these ID beings from Trinicon, creating a perfect foothold for the intentions and logistical infrastructure of this other Earth to set up a similar control grid on this Earth.)

This is my fellow traveler and good friend Stephen Popiotek.  He was the first person I had ever heard speak of this other earth drama.  I recommend watching the whole video but he speaks about Trinicon starting at about the 29 minute mark.
Stephen and I have RV’d some of these bases on Trinicon by tracking down clones of ourselves(from which we are getting psychically hit from).  Many of the sites there are also black sites here, especially the network of hadron colliders both small and large littered across the planet.  I suspect the power plant I was linked to could create a gateway to this other world.
Could most of the abductions people experience come from the same inter dimensionals of this other universe?  They already got the farm set up on Trinicon, now it’s time to expand their commercial loosh farming to another world.

Motive must always be examined if you ever want to make these beings predictable.  Why would the inter dimensional beings get involved with some earth government or the success of a royal bloodline?  They wanted inroads into other universes, other feeding grounds and also a way for the multiversal AI (their boss) from the future to invade these other universes.

SSP Survivor RT

I want to thank Denny, Tony and Kevin for a great hour and a half conversation/healing session.  It was an honor.

Secret Space Program Memories

Throughout the second half of my life, I’ve been working on this epic, sci-fi space opera.  I have note books full of outlines, diagrams and timelines of a galactic war in which humans are used as man power in another species war.

However as soon as I try to write a scene or any part of the actual story, I can’t get about a single sentence down.  I then mentally spin out of my connected, expanded consciousness into thoughtless hours of staring at a piece of paper.  My hand seems disconnected from my mental control.  Whatever interesting scene that I have in my mind’s eye, vanishes and I’m left in this totally disconnected, anxious state of mind.

I realize I’ve disassociated.  (Shit.. That only took my whole life to figure that out.)

In the past, I was very nomadic, enjoying the change of scenery and hoping to start anew, over and over.  Although there was a strengthening of my intuition and ability to manifest as I could always find a cool place to live, work, good coffee shop, nice camp spot.  You know road magic…

However, I knew that I was really just running away from something….something that turned out to be myself.  I moved every 6-9 months since I was 13.  I was a mess most of those 25+ years.  After a brief period of getting settled and grounded in my new city, I’d be all feeling good and confident, ready to write my magnus opus, The Book of Earth (the hypothetical title).

I’d get all dedicated, set aside time everyday to write.  Nothing happens…

Then I focus on just writing whatever came to my mind, only to end up staring at the words “Chapter 1” for hours.  The frustration would build up, wondering what the hell is wrong with me.  Things would get weird in my life.  The magic would leave me and my sleep patterns would get all messed up.  Soon I would get that “unwelcome” feeling again, then enacting my personal cognitive dissonance protocol by abruptly moving to another place.

There’s not a worse feeling than not having a place to belong, to not having a true home.  But that is a space that one must foster within.  I kept looking for the place to ground me, instead of making home in my own body.   This lack of home seems to grow from that childhood feeling of not belonging to Earth or this reality.  Many “experiencers” had similar feelings I bet.  It seems to come with the territory.

Even now, just trying to write about what I’m classifying as SSP psychic asset memories, sends me into a causeless anxiety.  I don’t really even care about remembering, I just want my sovereignty back and get rid of the emotional hangover of being used… just to be able to think about certain things and not get sent into some mental abyss.

I have memories of the first day of SSP school.  We were all wearing light grey, off white one piece flight suits.  I was late and everyone else was already seated in a large auditorium with 3 large screens.  One of our C.O.’s was an older black woman.  I was happy to see other races for some reason…  I remember some little girl smiling at me and saying “hi” telepathically.  The speech started and that’s all I remember.

I had a “dream” earlier this year of being used as a seer or early warning system. They would put me in a trace by something through an IV.  I fell asleep to wake up in a battle torn city full of collapsed and damaged colonial style multistory buildings.  There were palm trees and it felt like the tropics, south pacific-ish, western side of Australia maybe…

Anyways.  As I’m looking around, a soldier emerges from some underground hatch in the rubble, looks around and says, “That wasn’t that bad.”

I look at him and then point to the horizon-filling, gigantic black, boomerang or cylindrical ship descending through the clouds.  He says, “Oh shit!” in a defeated voice.

I wake up in the same large, multi-bed hospital room that I was in the beginning, all by myself though.  For a couple of moments, I realize this might be my chance to escape.  I think about running, but I know we’re about to be attacked.  The base is completely empty of people and eerily still.   Everyone has already prepared for the attack and underground or in bunkers.

I hide behind some trees, but then think back to my visions and realize that spot gets destroyed.  I then decided to join the others in my assigned bunker, granted I felt about 14 or 15 age and body wise in this dream.

I get to my bunker.  There’s a choke point where I have to climb over a cement barrier, only to feel a gun muzzle poking me in the chest when I straighten up and I wake up here in this time.

Oddly enough, the next evening, the entire southwest side of Australia had a power outage for a couple of hours and there was a huge object that created a long line of pings of this website.  (

There’s a whole set of memories of waking up on alien planet and has seen major destruction.  In the story, this (headache hitting me as I try to write this, right on queue) “me” is one of the only survivors of a genetic project to create a clone army of humans.  As the only survivor there is a protocol to save the data from the experiment in a psychic download.  This story ends with “me” hijacking an alien fleet ending up after many battles around orbit around Earth.

The fantastical and self aggrandizing elements of this story has always kept me from taking any of this too seriously.  But ever since I’ve embraced the possibility that these experiences might have happened and quit thinking of it as something I’m making up, I’ve been able to write about it.

I always said I wouldn’t mention my “abilities” until I was able to manifest them in this waking life.  I’m sorry folks.  I really thought I could do it and show people that this level of awareness is inherently false and that we humans are capable of so much more.

It’s like they’re right there, at my fingertips yet I have no way to access them, leaving me looking like some jackass telling tall tales.

No need to talk about if you can show it.   But….